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Grief and Loss
– This page is
dedicated to people grieving the loss of someone they love due to death from
alcoholism or alcohol-related problems.
Alcoholism
creates grief and loss in many ways, for all who are affected by it. Family
members and friends may experience loss of relationships, financial security,
homes, jobs, health, hopes, dreams, self-esteem, dignity, and other important
tangible and intangible things. Sometimes alcoholism ends tragically, in death
of the alcoholic from the disease or from related conditions. The grief process
for family members and friends who experience the death of a loved one due to
alcoholism can often be especially difficult and painful due to the types of
experiences and the mixture and complexity of feelings and emotions that may
have preceded and/or surrounded the death, the circumstances that caused death,
the general lack of understanding about alcoholism that is prevalent in our
society, and the stigma, secrecy and shame that unfortunately often accompany
the disease of alcoholism.
How can Al-Anon/Alateen
help? In Al-Anon and Alateen, we do not tell others what they “should have”
done or “should” do now or later, or how they “should” think or feel. Members
share their own experience, strength, and hope with each other. We share about what has personally helped us
to recover. No one can take away another person’s pain, but here are some of
the ways that Al-Anon/Alateen may be able to help a
person who has lost a loved one due to alcoholism:
¨ Al-Anon/Alateen meetings: Al-Anon/Alateen
meetings provide an opportunity to share even the deepest, most painful grief
in a safe, caring, non-judgmental place, and receive understanding and
support. You can hear from others who
have struggled with problems of alcoholism as well. At an Al-Anon/Alateen meeting, you can find an opportunity for
emotional release, a place where it is OK to share feelings, an antidote to
isolation, listeners who understand and empathize without judging or providing
advice, sharing from others who have been deeply affected by another person’s
alcoholism, and a program that can help you deal with many life problems,
including grief. Al-Anon is a fellowship
of men and women whose lives have been affected by someone else’s alcohol use.
You do not need to be certain whether or not your loved one was an alcoholic.
If you think Al-Anon/Alateen may possibly be helpful
for you, you will be welcome.
¨ Al-Anon/Alateen members: In Al-Anon and Alateen,
you will find people who care and empathize. There are others in Al-Anon/Alateen who have experienced the death of a loved one
from alcoholism, and many more who have lived with or live with the fear of
losing their alcoholic loved one to this disease. The people you meet at an
Al-Anon/Alateen meeting may not have had the exact
same experiences as you, but they understand the toll alcoholism takes on those
who live with its effects, and they have found ways to cope. It can help to
talk to and hear from others who have lived with the effects of alcoholism.
Also, while many communities have Al-Anon meetings every day of
the week and often at various times of the day – you may need to have an outlet
for your grief and want someone to talk with at other times. Many meetings have
phone lists of
members who are willing to share their number to receive calls outside of
meeting times. An Al-Anon/Alateen sponsor can provide
additional support; most meetings have members willing to sponsor newer
members.
¨ Al-Anon/Alateen literature: Al-Anon/Alateen
literature describes
what members have learned about alcoholism and how they have coped with its
effects. Some “conference
approved” Al-Anon/Alateen literature specifically
deals with or describes members’ experiences with the death of a family member
or friend from the effects of this disease. Program literature can offer
comfort as well as helpful and practical information. Some suggestions for
Al-Anon literature are below.
¨ Learning about our loved one’s disease – and understanding our
role in it:
Sometimes death from alcoholism comes after a long struggle with the disease.
Other times, death may come so suddenly and unexpectedly that family members
and friends may not have been aware that their loved one had an alcohol
problem, or that an alcoholic in recovery had relapsed. In Al-Anon/Alateen,
our first Step happens when we gain an understanding
that we are “powerless over alcohol.” Family members/friends often feel
responsible for their loved one’s problems with alcohol, and often the grief
experienced by family members and friends over losing a loved one to this
disease is complicated by guilt over what we feel we should have done, or not
done. The alcoholic may have blamed us for their problems, or others who do not
understand alcoholism may blame us.
Maybe we had an argument, after which our partner left the house and
died in a drunk driving accident. Maybe we told our child that he/she could no
longer live in our home unless he/she went to treatment, and he/she later died,
homeless. Maybe we bailed our partner out of jail, and he/she overdosed that
same night. Maybe we threatened to leave our spouse, and he/she committed
suicide. Maybe we did everything we could do to try to help our loved one and
were not able to save him/her. Maybe we did not intervene, and feel we should
have. The possibilities for remorse, regret, self-recrimination, and self-blame
over what we did or did not do are endless - but misplaced. Al-Anon/Alateen helps us understand that in reality, we do not
have the power to control the progression, consequences and outcome of our
loved one’s alcohol use. Often the actions we took were the only way we could
allow our loved one to experience the consequences of his or her behaviors and
thus have the opportunity to become motivated to change. Often our actions or
reactions occurred simply because we are human. What we learn and experience in
Al-Anon/Alateen can help us to gain perspective, and
to stop our preoccupation with the “what if’s” and “if only’s” that keep us
from acceptance and healing. The
Al-Anon/Alateen program can help us understand the
disease of alcoholism – and come to understand and feel in our hearts that our
actions or inactions were not responsible for the
outcome and consequences of a loved one’s use of alcohol.
Life with an alcoholic can be difficult, and the
memories we have of our loved one may include arguments, threats, violence,
lying, dishonesty, hurtful words or actions or events that are painful for us
to recall and to live with. The last time that we spent with our loved one may
have been bitterly unhappy. The Al-Anon/Alateen Steps and principles can help us come to
terms with our often painful feelings and memories and to gain perspective that
enables us to recall and be comforted by the good memories that we have.
¨ Learning about ourselves: Al-Anon/Alateen can help us to
acknowledge, understand, and accept the losses we have experienced as a result
of someone else’s alcoholism. Al-Anon/Alateen Steps
and principles can help us learn about ourselves and understand our feelings
and reactions, and to come to terms with the complicated emotions that may
surround our loss. For example, grief may be complicated by anger – at our
loved one, at others, at our God or Higher Power, or at ourselves. We may
struggle with forgiving our loved one, ourselves, our Higher Power or
others. The Al-Anon/Alateen
Steps and other program tools may not
at first appear to be at all what we need when we have lost a loved one, but
many members find that when they have been in Al-Anon/Alateen
for awhile and are ready to work the Steps, the process helps them come to
terms with whatever troubles them, gain acceptance and healing, and move on
with their lives in a productive way.
Al-Anon/Alateen does not recommend specific resources for other
sources of help – but Al-Anon/Alateen encourages
members to use whatever outside resources may be helpful to themselves and
their families. Individual and family counseling; peer or
professionally-facilitated grief support groups; support from family and
friends; spiritual guidance, counseling or support; literature, books or
self-help workbooks; Internet resources and other resources have been helpful
to Al-Anon/Alateen members experiencing loss. Some
people find comfort and healing in talking with others about their loved one;
from journaling, other forms of writing, scrapbooking, art or other creative
expression; from creating a tribute, legacy or memorial to honor and remember
their loved one; from developing a family ritual or other practice that helps
them to recall and re-experience loving memories and moments; from becoming
involved in volunteer or service work or other ways of helping others; from
finding physical and emotional outlets that help reduce the tensions in their
mind and body; or from other activities that help them to heal and to regain a
feeling of purpose and meaning in their own lives and from the life of their
loved one. There are times when we want to be with others and times when we
want to be alone. When others want to help but are not sure of what to say or
do, you can let them know what you need, from just being there to listen to helping
with such necessities as funeral arrangements, chores, child care or other
needs. We all deserve help.
Al-Anon
Family Groups publishes books, meditation books, pamphlets and brochures that
can be helpful for members struggling with grief and loss. Some deal
specifically with grief and loss, or include stories from members who have
experienced loss due to alcoholism. Reading stories from others who are coping
with the effects of alcoholism can help others suffering similar losses to feel
less alone. These Al-Anon/Alateen publications may be
helpful to members who have experienced the death of a family member, friend or
other loved one due to alcoholism:
¨ “Opening Our Hearts,
Transforming Our Losses.” Item number B-29. This book addresses issues of grief
and loss related to alcoholism, and includes stories from members who have lost
a loved one due to alcoholism.
¨ “In All Our Affairs:
Making Crises Work For You.” Item number B-15. This book includes a few stories
written by members who have lost a loved one due to alcoholism.
¨ Other Al-Anon/Alateen literature includes references to death of loved
ones from alcoholism, e.g. the meditation book “Courage to Change” (item number
B-16) includes two sharings from bereaved members, “How Al-Anon Work for
Families and Friends of Alcoholics” (item number B-22) includes stories from
members who have lost loved ones to alcoholism, “Hope For Today (item number
B-27,) an Al-Anon meditation book for adult children of alcoholics, includes a
few items on death of a parent from alcoholism, and there are many items of
Al-Anon literature that include sharings that may be comforting to members
experiencing grief and loss even if not specific to their situation.
Please see our Literature
page for information on finding Al-Anon/Alateen
literature.
What do professionals
say about how Al-Anon can help people experiencing grief and loss?
We
asked professionals who practice in the District 5 area to share their
professional experience of how Al-Anon can help people experiencing grief and
loss related to another person’s alcoholism. {Please note: per Al-Anon’s Traditions 6 and 10, Al-Anon has no
opinions about, is not affiliated with and does not endorse any outside
enterprises or organizations, and does not support or oppose any matters
outside of the Al-Anon program. The opinions expressed in this section are
those of the writers; their inclusion does not imply endorsement of any
organization, business, practice, religion, denomination or publication.} We are grateful to all who have shared their
professional experiences with Al-Anon on this web site!
¨ “The Multiple Losses of Alcoholism”
contributed by Nancy Quay, LMSW; Life Coach and Psychotherapist, Ann Arbor,
Michigan.
¨ “Helping a Grieving Friend during the
Holidays” contributed by Janice Firm, LMSW; Clinical Social Worker,
Department of Social Work, University
of Michigan Hospital.
¨ “How Can We Help Ourselves Cope With
and Work Through Our Grief, Especially During the Holidays?” contributed by
Janice Firm, LMSW; Clinical Social Worker, Department of Social Work,
University of Michigan Hospital.
Despite our differences, members of Al-Anon find that we find we
have much in common. Although our stories differ, we share an understanding
that cannot be found anywhere else. Please see our Member’s
Stories page for additional personal accounts written by Al-Anon members. The following stories have been contributed by Al-Anon
members who have lost a loved one due to alcoholism or related causes. We are
grateful to the authors for sharing their experience, strength and
hope on this page.
District 5 Al-Anon members and District 5 web site visitors share
their personal stories:
¨ Barb’s Story 2. (written in 2008.
Please note: Barb contributed another story
in 2006, posted on our Stories
page.)
-
If you would like to contribute your personal story involving
grief and loss, please contact
us!
Al-Anon Member’s Stories from
the Forum, Al-Anon’s monthly
magazine:
¨ NEW Focusing on myself helped
me heal.
¨ Celebrating anniversaries, making
amends.
¨ Daddy’s little girl again – making
peace with my father.
Stories from the
Forum are reprinted here with permission of ©Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.
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